Vampy's Weblog - Life of a Medical Officer

Technically, I knew I passed my last term last thursday but it was only today that I had the opportunity to sit down and just not do anything... I decided that I would spend my afternoon in a cafe sipping coffee and reading a good book. I was starting to indulge in this luxury when all of a sudden I my brain finally registered the fact that I'm really heading towards the finishing line, the light at the end of the tunnel, the ship sailing into port (okay, you get where I going with this) and the next thing I know, my eyes started to water...It occurred to me that in about 2 months I would be done - finito...and I think the emotions have finally caught up with my brain.

To say that the past 4 years or so have been easy or a breeze would be a flat out lie, to say that it has been the most difficult task a man has to undergo would be an exaggeration. I think this journey has been one of the most challenging and difficult time of my life. There has been numerous occasions when I doubted myself - did I make the right decision? am I meant to do medicine? do I have the ability to do medicine? Some of these self-doubts came from myself internally, some inflicted upon me even when I do not deserve it. Throughout these 4 years, I have come into contact with numerous doctors who have all played a role in me becoming a doctor. Some have inspired me, while others have made me doubt myself. I realized that sometimes there's just no pleasing everyone and injustice is part and parcel of life. To say that I have forgiven the injustice I had experience would be a lie because I do not see why I should be penalized for something that is beyond my control. I do not think I have the capacity to forgive the person for what he did but I will put it down to a painful lesson in life learned.

I think I'm right to say that for most of my classmates self-doubt is part and parcel of being a medical student. The amazing thing is how we would support each other during those trying times. I'm thankful for all my friends who have stood by me during these 4 years and I hope that I have also been doing the same for them. I believe that without them I would not have been able to come this far and not lose my sanity. When I first started medical school, various people have told me that medical school would be one of the most difficult period of my life. While I was somewhat prepared for the physical demands, it wasn't until I face my first crisis in medical school that I fully appreciate how difficult it was emotionally and psychologically. The crisis came towards the end of my 3rd year where I was told I had to re-take the clinical exam. While I knew that my first attempt was not going to be counted, it nevertheless struck me hard. I have never failed any major exams in my entire life before. The thought that I may have to repeat the year loomed over my every moment of my life then. It also planted serious doubts in my head - am I going to be a good doctor? does this mean that I do not have what it takes to do medicine?

It took me a long while before I stopped doubting myself. Friends and other doctors were a big part of the resolution. Even till now, I still have that irrational fear that if I were to take the exam again in the near future I will fail. I don't think that fear will ever go away completely but I learned to channel that fear in a more productive way. Medical school can be quite lonely at times not because we are unfriendly or uncaring but because I believe to a certain extent all medical students have an intense fear of being looked upon as a failure and thus many of us keep our fears and doubts to ourselves. We do not like to admit to others that we are not as good as everyone thinks. But I realize and notice that if we make the first step in acknowledging our fears and doubts, we can find solace from our fellow beings and also realize that they have similar fears and doubts as well.

Sorry for such a long rant but I think it is important for me to get this off my chest and I hope that for any medical student out there who happen to chance upon this post will find it useful to know that they are not alone and someone has gone through those difficult times as well and survived.

After almost 4 years of med school, I'm finally hurtling towards the finish line. I just finish my last term which is examinable. Studying for this last exam was doubly nerve-wrecking. Not only I had to contend with the usual exam stress but the added stress that this is the last hurdle before I finish med school proper. It didn't help that the questions asked in the exam were unexpected and thus I spent the entire afternoon after the exam biting my nails while waiting for the results to be out. When I read my email that I passed, it was a great relief and it dawned upon me that this is really the last time I will sit for an exam as a medical student and the next time I take any exam would be in 3-4 years time when I sit for the specialty exam if I become a trainee.

The term that just ended was psychiatry. It was a great term - it really open my eyes to the world that the "mad" lived in. It taught me that in most cases the patients are more afraid of you than you of them. The experiences were interesting to say the least. It also made me realized how easily it is to be too involved in a patient. The strange thing is that while you are in it, you do not realize it until you sit back and reflect about your thoughts and reactions. Initially, I was intrigued by the presentation of this patient but over time, I found myself drawn into the life of the patient. I felt really sorry for the patient and found myself thinking if only the patient is well, what a great parent the patient would be. As I interviewed the patient on numerous occasions, I learned about the goals, aspirations and dreams the patient had. Suddenly, this isn't just a disease but a real-life, 3-dimensional being who have feelings and dreams. In the end, I had to distance myself deliberately to prevent myself from losing all objectivity. Even now, I wonder to myself whether the patient is doing well and hope that the patient would remain well.

From this term I realize that some doctors would happily refer a patient to the psychiatry team for reasons which under usual circumstances are perfectly understandable. For example, a patient who just underwent a major surgery and have all kinds of drugs and pain relief pumped into them would be drowsy and may not make much sense if someone tries to talk to them. That is NOT a psychiatry problem but rather because of the drugs that the patient is on. Also, an infection in a patient especially a elderly parson can make that person act "crazy" but that's because of the infection and NOT primarily a psychiatric issue. Treat the infection and the patient no longer acts "crazy". A "difficult" patient who is rude and aggressive to a doctor may NOT be a psychiatric problem especially if the patient is not "difficult" with other health care workers. Have they even considered that the problem is with themselves rather than the patient?! That's not PSYCH, that's called bad interpersonal skills!

My final term which beings in about 2 weeks (finally! 2 weeks of holiday!) is essentially a term to get us used to the work of a doctor. We are expected to function like a junior doctor (and not get paid) except we are not allowed to prescribe medications or rather we are not allowed to sign on the the prescription. But in any other aspects, we are treated like a junior doctor. I'm really looking forward to it as I have been allocated to paediatrics neurology which I had done during my paediatrics term last year. I'm back in the land of kiddies! No more adult problems for the next glorious 8 weeks! Unfortunately, as an intern in NSW, we are now allowed to do paediatrics. So after these 8 weeks, the next time I can do paediatrics will be after my intern year next year... Sigh...