Technically, I knew I passed my last term last thursday but it was only today that I had the opportunity to sit down and just not do anything... I decided that I would spend my afternoon in a cafe sipping coffee and reading a good book. I was starting to indulge in this luxury when all of a sudden I my brain finally registered the fact that I'm really heading towards the finishing line, the light at the end of the tunnel, the ship sailing into port (okay, you get where I going with this) and the next thing I know, my eyes started to water...It occurred to me that in about 2 months I would be done - finito...and I think the emotions have finally caught up with my brain.
To say that the past 4 years or so have been easy or a breeze would be a flat out lie, to say that it has been the most difficult task a man has to undergo would be an exaggeration. I think this journey has been one of the most challenging and difficult time of my life. There has been numerous occasions when I doubted myself - did I make the right decision? am I meant to do medicine? do I have the ability to do medicine? Some of these self-doubts came from myself internally, some inflicted upon me even when I do not deserve it. Throughout these 4 years, I have come into contact with numerous doctors who have all played a role in me becoming a doctor. Some have inspired me, while others have made me doubt myself. I realized that sometimes there's just no pleasing everyone and injustice is part and parcel of life. To say that I have forgiven the injustice I had experience would be a lie because I do not see why I should be penalized for something that is beyond my control. I do not think I have the capacity to forgive the person for what he did but I will put it down to a painful lesson in life learned.
I think I'm right to say that for most of my classmates self-doubt is part and parcel of being a medical student. The amazing thing is how we would support each other during those trying times. I'm thankful for all my friends who have stood by me during these 4 years and I hope that I have also been doing the same for them. I believe that without them I would not have been able to come this far and not lose my sanity. When I first started medical school, various people have told me that medical school would be one of the most difficult period of my life. While I was somewhat prepared for the physical demands, it wasn't until I face my first crisis in medical school that I fully appreciate how difficult it was emotionally and psychologically. The crisis came towards the end of my 3rd year where I was told I had to re-take the clinical exam. While I knew that my first attempt was not going to be counted, it nevertheless struck me hard. I have never failed any major exams in my entire life before. The thought that I may have to repeat the year loomed over my every moment of my life then. It also planted serious doubts in my head - am I going to be a good doctor? does this mean that I do not have what it takes to do medicine?
It took me a long while before I stopped doubting myself. Friends and other doctors were a big part of the resolution. Even till now, I still have that irrational fear that if I were to take the exam again in the near future I will fail. I don't think that fear will ever go away completely but I learned to channel that fear in a more productive way. Medical school can be quite lonely at times not because we are unfriendly or uncaring but because I believe to a certain extent all medical students have an intense fear of being looked upon as a failure and thus many of us keep our fears and doubts to ourselves. We do not like to admit to others that we are not as good as everyone thinks. But I realize and notice that if we make the first step in acknowledging our fears and doubts, we can find solace from our fellow beings and also realize that they have similar fears and doubts as well.
Sorry for such a long rant but I think it is important for me to get this off my chest and I hope that for any medical student out there who happen to chance upon this post will find it useful to know that they are not alone and someone has gone through those difficult times as well and survived.
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